5 Items That Should Be Banished from the Bathroom

Hello madam, style police here. We received a report of a disturbance in the bathroom involving some prohibited items. Do you mind if we come in and take a look? Well, madam, we can just go straight back to the station and get a warrant. We have probable cause. Yes, yes, the doily on your entrance hall table. It will just be a lot easier if you let us in to have a look around. Very good, thank you madam. Right then…

Toilet rug

Ello, ello, ello, what’s all this then? First piece of damning evidence here. And in emerald green, no less. Make a note of that would you, Constable Peacock? E-M-E-R-A-L-D. Oh and look at this. A matching toilet seat cover made of the same carpet material. A nasty piece of work, if ever I did see one. A real pair of germ magnets.

Shower curtain

More contraband here, Constable Peacock. A *SHUDDERS* shower curtain. Yes, that is a massive image of Frida Kahlo’s face on there. No, I don’t think she’d consider it to be very tasteful, either. Where’d you get that, madam? The local bazaar for one-ninety-nine? I see. Make a note of that, Constable Peacock. Oh and look. Naughty, naughty. You haven’t washed this for quite some time, have you, madam? Little flecks of black mould starting to develop at the bottom. That is positively criminal, madam.

Old bar soap in random soap dish

These charges are really starting to mount up, aren’t they, eh? I hope you’ve got yourself a good interior designer. Who am I to be the judge? Well, as I say, I’m the style police madam, but any old fool can see that this plastic, shell-shaped soap tray with the translucent soapy water gathered in the bottom and the tiny nub of soap floating around in it is hardly setting a luxurious bathroom scene, can’t they, madam?

Ugly old bathroom scales

Oh, this is just laden with irony, isn’t it Constable Peacock? What do I mean? Well, the fact that our suspect is so vain that they require weighing scales but they’re not so vain that they’re even the slightest bit house proud. I mean, look at these things. You can even see the shape of the feet on there where they’ve been used for years and years. Put these in an evidence bag and throw them in the bin on the way out, please, Constable.

Sprinkle when you tinkle poster

Alright, Constable Peacock, cuff the lady. No, I don’t think I’m being a little hasty. This ‘If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be sweet and wipe the seat´ poster was printed before you were born and it wasn’t stylish, even back then. No, I don’t think it’s a cute way to potty train the kids. All the suspect needs to do is tell her children with words from her mouth. And look, this poster is all crinkled in the corner of the frame and faded from years of moisture.

Look, we don’t think you’re going to have to do any actual time for this, madam. You’ll likely get parole and have to spend a few weeks in consultation with an interior designer. Listen, it’s for your own good. There are dozens of other items in here that are simply crimes against good taste: the hairy razor on the washbasin; the fungus-ridden wooden trinkets; the bag of cotton balls hanging off the towel hook; the towel hook itself – is that a stick-on?! It doesn’t mean you can’t be rehabilitated, of course. We’ve met thousands of perpetrators of design crimes who’ve gone on to own lovely homes with impeccable bathrooms.

May Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen have mercy on your soul.