What do your toilet books say about you?

Though it’s largely an unspoken pleasure, the loo is where many of us get our best reading done. But what do our toilet books say about our personalities? We take a look at some of the most popular reading materials to take to the bathroom and make a few light-hearted assumptions based on the quality of our W.C. literature.

A side table full of architecture and interior design magazines

You’re such an aesthete that there’s nothing more relaxing to you than thumbing the dog-eared pages of an old copy of the Grand Designs or Good Homes magazine from the comfort of the lavatory. You’re probably over the age of 40, too, as if you were a bit younger, you’d more likely be on your phone, flipping through beautiful architecture and interior design images on Houzz, Dezeen, Pinterest or Instagram. Oh and you’re likely trying to be quiet in there as there’s a strong chance that your house currently has workmen in it, because you’re constantly remodelling.

A hard-backed coffee table art book

For a cultural connoisseur like you, art appreciation doesn’t begin and end at the gallery. You even find yourself experiencing Stendhal syndrome while sitting on the throne, poring over 21^st Century works of genius by the likes of Andreas Gursky and Tania Bruguera. Also, if you’re taking an expensive art book into the loo, it probably means you’ve managed to get the humidity levels in your bathroom below 65% so the cellulose fibres in the paper don’t draw in any water and ruin the book. So, congrats on fitting an excellent ventilation system!

The latest Jeremy Clarkson

Where some find The World According to Clarkson to be a trivial place that offers little in the way of nuance or even value, you find those critics to be pompous bores who wouldn’t know how it feels to belly laugh at subjects such as just how ill-equipped men are to look after small children if they tried. Which is interesting, because it was probably one of your children who bought you the book for Christmas, which means you’ve probably done quite a good job of raising them: it’s such a thoughtful gift that fits your personality perfectly. You probably daydream you’re behind the wheel of a BMW Z4 while reading it, rather than on the can, too – you old petrol head!

Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace

Anyone who shares a home with you must be constantly banging on the bathroom door asking you to hurry up. Because, if you’re taking David Foster Wallace’s mammoth 1,500+ page, mind-melting, 1996 postmodern encyclopaedic novel into the loo, it’s clear that you like to take your time in there. Just flipping from the front to the back to read through the lengthy and essential 388 endnotes is enough to make most people want to pick up their phones and give up on contemporary fiction for good. Not you, though. You probably find it fittingly ironic that you’re reading such a work of high art in such a banal environment.

Anything by Daphne DuMaurier

Ever the moody romantic, you find the dark, spooky overtones of Dame Daphne’s gothic novels wonderfully fitting for the echoing space that is your bathroom. When not reading her from the lavatory, you’re reading her in a near-overflowing, steaming, freestanding black bathtub, doing your best to make yourself feel as woozy from the hot humidity as her characters do from their otherworldly encounters. You probably think you once saw the silhouette of the first Mrs de Winter appearing through the steam, right next to the bird of paradise plant in the corner. How perfectly frightful!

Discourse on contemporary politics

For most people, going to the loo is a relieving experience. You, however, are a ball of political rage and anxiety and you’re not going to let that go for a second – not even for the sake of achieving more tranquil ablutions. There’s just too much important stuff to be thinking about! George Packer says that America is Unwinding! Akala says the meritocracy is a myth! Timothy Snyder has some lessons On Tyranny to teach us from the 20^th Century! Problem is: maybe your inability to ever feel any sense of relief is connected the fact that you’re taking highly stressful reading material to the loo with you. Mull that one over for a minute, Chomsky!

Hello! magazine

You don’t do words. Just pictures. Pictures of famous people off the telly getting married. So, you’re probably not even reading this. Even continuing to type this paragraph is futile. Maybe you’d like to check out our Instagram, instead?

Rock biographies

You’re the type that sings “Rockin’ in the Free World” at the top of their lungs in the shower, thinking no one outside the bathroom can hear (they definitely can). So, when you’re on the loo, you’re reading about Laurel Canyon, daydreaming that you’re there, hanging out with Joni Mitchell and Frank Zappa and creating sixties countercultural history. You probably turned one of the spare bedrooms in your house into a mini recording studio and have a couple of guitars on the walls. Not that you go in there all that often, because you just don’t have time due to work commitments, but it’s nice to know it’s there. You think it’s almost as good as Sunset Sound where the Beach Boys recorded Pet Sounds.

Looking for some other good loo-reading material? Check out our article on 5 items that should be banished from the bathroom.

Main picture by Fernandino Scianna - Magnum Photos